On Fatherhood in Nigeria

Okechukwu Nwafor

Today is father’s day for some religious denominations. It is important that we re-examine some familiar experiences we all have had about being a father, especially in the Igbo society. I say Igbo society because that is where I grew up.

For me, being a father in the Igbo society is quite challenging. You are like the Hulk Horgan of the entire clan or the Incredible Hawk of both your family and the extended families, and even your town. This is true especially when you have a good job or seen as a middle class member of the society. Your position is centrally located to act as a guardian angel to some, as a hero to some or as a protector to others.

In our different homes we have acted on either of the above capacities. To the eyes of our children, a father is someone who should have money to solve all their (the children’s) problems. In the eyes of our wives, a father should never lack money after all he is the head of the family. In the eyes of many no father should be seen lacking in any form of family responsibilities.

A father should pay school fees, buy clothes for the children and his wife, pay house rent or even build a house for his family; in some families a father is even expected to fuel his wife’s car and take the same car to the mechanic; a father should even have enough resources to take care of incidental expenses accruing from his extra curricular escapades (this section should not be misunderstood o); a father must always be ready to answer calls from every other person (relatives and townspeople) soliciting for one form of financial help or the other. I do not want to go into the emotional and psychological responsibilities of a father in the family.

Any father found wanting in some of the above demands are faulted. Those affected will either brand you stingy, mean, selfish or irresponsible. It means that for one to become a complete father in Igboland one must answer ‘gbazuagu’. Gbazuagu is a slogan for a round-the-clock kind of human. In fact, one needs to be a superhuman in order to meet the strict stipulations of being a loving father in Igboland.

Some Igbo men decided to marry ‘oyibo’ to disserver ties with cultural values. Some travelled abroad and permanently switched off their phones to block all calls coming from Nigeria. Some have developed thick skins and chose instead to be branded ‘selfish’ fathers rather than allow themselves to be choked by the asphyxiating demands of Fatherhood.

One father I know was divorced from his wife because his wife asked him to stop hanging out at night with friends in a club. Of course, this father rejected the order. After a series a fights both disengaged and went their separate ways and left their young daughter with an uncertain future.

Many African fathers have the orientation of our great grand parents and are irremediably switched to the polygamous mode. This is not a topic I can dissect here for fear of being prosecuted. Abeg o.

The list goes on and on. The worst is that in the eyes of a puerile child there is no reason a father shouldn’t have money for ice cream or other snacks. Money, therefore, is central to being a complete father.

This does not remove the fact that we do not have bad fathers. In this case certain mothers have assumed the role of fathers. But when critically assessed, in some families where mothers assumed the role of fathers something is always incomplete. It is possible that in such families one form of abnormality may rear its head one day. It is either that the man’s food has been eaten by his children and his wife justified it for his inability to provide food. This is just an example. There are many.

Fatherhood is tough, herculean, challenging. It is not a war in which mothers defend their children. With the increasing societal pressures arising from inevitable changes in many aspects of human lives, it is almost impossible to be a good father these days. For example, you have to buy data for your Children’s phones to enable them do their homework, you have to fuel the generator to power the phones and provide electricity to enable.your children do their homework. You have to repair your car and generator. While you have just finished repairing your car, you returned home to discover that the generator has just stopped working. While you just finished with the generator, you discovered that water is leaking from a section of your plumbing in the house. In fact, your meagre salary can hardly go halfway to solving the innumerable problems arising from the home front. You have become an amateur economist trying to resolve the arithmetic of domestic expenses.

I say may God bless all fathers striving out there to become complete fathers. For those who have given up on Fatherhood may the good Lord visit them in their inadequacies and weaknesses.