The deportee

Imagine say them want deport you now. God forbid! E no go be your portion. But, just imagine am say them want deport you. Nobody dey wish anybody bad and I know say nobody go like wish theirself bad. Palmwine tapper no go say make them begin boil hot water before him dey climb palm tree. But bad things dey happen. Them no dey plan am. And when e happen, we go blame devil and village people. But e don happen be say e don happen. So, what if for that country wey you dey now, e get as things come happen and you come dey see yourself say them go deport you come Naija?

I know plenty of our boys wey go Malaysia. E sure me say you sef go know plenty boys from your area wey enter Malay. That year, boys enter well well because Malaysia dey reign and their visa no too hard to get. Boys from Isinweke, Obowo and Ihitte-Uboma, na Malay them full. E come be like say them want get extension of their Senatorial zone for Malay. If you dey waka for street sef, you fit see person wey go shout the name wey your mama dey call you.

Another reason wey make our people full there be say the boys wey from that place come back, them show workings well well, e come be like say na that place things dey happen. Na this thing make everybody put head for Malaysia that time. You know say our people too like update. If you tell them now say person wey dey push wheelbarrow don build house, tomorrow, everybody don begin dey push wheelbarrow. But then, you know say e get one thing wey dey this life — everything get secret wey you no go know until you enter am. Na why them talk say the way wey bitter kola dey sound for mouth, no be like that wey e dey sweet. Many people wey enter Malaysia enter as either students or as tourists. And as tourists, them get only one or three months to stay for the country before them comot because their visa talk say them just come to enjoy the country before them go back Naija. But you know say boys enter with another plan. Them no sell family land enter Malay to go enjoy. Malay fine well well, no be lie. Na very sweet country. Nobody wey don stay Malay go want compare am to any other country for this earth. Everything dey that country and e no cost to enjoy am. But no be tourism wey carry our brothers go there. No be enjoyment. Even the ones wey come say them want go school, them get plans to better their life. I no go talk pass like this for this matter. But make we continue.

E get when e reach, Malaysia police come understand as things dey play for their country. Them come see say our boys dey hustle well well and some of those boys sef no get papers. Even some of our boys dey go club spend plenty money for expensive drinks, dey carry Thailand babes up and down. Boys buy cars sef. Even the ones wey be system men come dey too show theirself. Small thing, Black Axe and Vikings don carry sagas enter town. Everybody just dey flex, dey show theirsef. Around that time, American government come dey worry say too much payment dey enter Malay from America but Malaysia government no too send. If na you, you go worry? After all money wey dey enter Malay dey benefit them. But e come reach when e reach, Malaysian police come begin dey pick boys for street. If them pick you, them go deport you. But as boys come see say the matter don get as e be, them no come dey go outside. Everybody just dey inside house dey hustle from morning to night. If them need food, them go order food for mobile app make vendor bring food for them. If them need olosho, them go arrange am online too. You go think say the matter don end there, but no be so. Police come understand as the matter dey play. Next thing, them come dey arrange themself as squad, dey burst people house. Them go carry iron-cutter, hammer and many different tools to take break people door once them get information say na Naija boys live inside the house. For some of this officers, if you settle well, them go free you but e get the ones wey no want settlement — them just want follow the law to remove you from their country. So, once them catch you like this, na from your house to immigration cell where you go serve for at least six months before you pay for money for the flight wey them go take deport you. If you even enter the hand of the very corrupt police officers, as you dey deportation cell so, them go sell your passport give another Naija person. Anyhow wey you and Naija embassy for Kuala Lumpur take sort the matter, na una sabi. Everybody wey don live for Malay sabi this thing and nobody like make them deport them. So, once immigration show up like this dey burst people house, you go see where boys dey run. Many Naija boys don jump from storey building where them dey run and many of them don die. Just like that.

Deportation bad like that?

I no talk say deportation bad. But what if them deport you, carry you from abroad land for Lagos? Wetin be the worst thing wey fit happen?

E get one book wey I write for year 2022. The title na Deportee. You fit go bookshop go find am if you want read am. But e get wetin make me write that book. Some of the reasons dey very personal. I no go talk about the personal reasons now. But I write that book so that our people go fit try understand say the way we dey take this deportation matter no be so e suppose be. And na because we no understand life, na why we dey give ourself too much headache where we dey find wetin to take sustain life. Na true say life no easy. Life hard for Naija. Naija dey dull person, e dey make man look like say him no get package. E dey even make person ugly. If you think say na lie, just travel overseas stay six months, you go just see say you no ugly, na just Naija dey do you since. Six months for overseas, you go just fresh, especially when you go Asia or Europe during winter. Even say you fit no dey too see food chop and even if the cold dey torture you, but e go still make you fresh pass wetin the sun and suffer for Naija dey do you. For Naija, your papa fit suffer train you finish for university, you go come dey see job wey them go dey pay you twenty-five thousand naira — that is if you try get job, sef. Everything for Naija just be like the weapon wey them fashion against you so that you no go prosper for this life wey you come. Na all these things wey you look finish come decide say the way forward na to go overseas go hustle better money so that you go come back one day with better levels. But that one na wetin you think for yourself. E still get the ones wey other people dey think for you.

The moment you post for Facebook say you don land for overseas, people don position dey reason your matter for their head. Them don begin dey count the days for you. You wey travel fit no know when six months meet you for overseas, but your neighbours for Naija know the exact month wey you travel. Them no dey fit miss that kind thing. Once one year don reach, them expect say them suppose dey see changes; you suppose don buy land, start foundation; your people suppose don dey make some kind movements based on people wey their pikin dey overseas; as December don dey reach, signs suppose dey say you go come back with Lexus or Camry, at least. Once once, them go bill you. But whether you chest the billing or you dodge am, that one no too matter. After one year, if them no see any workings for your side, them go begin dey count am for you say nothing come out that first year; maybe the next year, e go soft for you. If two years don pass and no workings, you be useless person. Nothing come out for your side. E go better say you no hear the things wey them go dey talk about you. Even your own family go dey call you sef to remind you of that person wey don come back with ZDX, open one ear, draw tattoo; that person wey don come back do big wedding, give him wife belle before him go back again; that guy wey come back dey buy drinks for boys sotay them dey hail am everywhere wey him go. Them dey tell you all this things so that you too you go double your hustle — after all, no be the same abroad wey them from come back? So, as all these things dey your mind, police come dey knock for your door when you no get papers.

I don hear of person wey them want put for plane wey go deport am come Naija, but this guy throw himself from the elevator of the airport, carry him head land for ground. Na so him take kill himself. Me too, I don dey inside immigration cell before. I tell the officers to give me pen and paper because I want write. Them no gree give me. Them talk say I go use am kill myself. Me? Kill myself? For wetin na? Me wey take my mouth tell una for court say make una send me go Naija because I no like the way una dey treat me like say I commit crime for una country? Na Naija embassy I blame sha. No be una fault.

E get one of my uncle wey them want deport from America. As them reach for airport give am voluntary deportation papers make him sign, him reason as him go take come back Naija with nothing, na so him change mind say him no dey sign again. Them send am go back immigration cell. Him reason say e better say them lock am up like animal wey dey cage than for him to come back Naija.

I get one friend for Maguza, Northern Cyprus that year. One night, we go buy food. As we dey come back house, na so immigration corner us. That my friend no get papers. As him see the immigration officer, na so him run. Immigration begin dey pursue am. Him run cross highway. I come dey fear say make motor no jam am. Thank God say motor no jam am because I no know how I for take explain the matter give him people wey dey Naija. As him cross road, the immigration officer follow am cross road. E come be like say na Satan send the officer. Him no gree leave my friend. Him pursue the guy enter inside forest that night, but still him no catch that my friend. Even today, I still dey ask my guy say wetin give am mind to risk him life dey run like that that night and every time I ask am, him go tell me say him no know as him for do himself if say them deport am back to Naija. Them get seven boys for house and na family land them sell send am overseas so that him fit liberate the family.

So, what if them want deport you back to Naija now?

I know wetin you go dey think. You go dey think wetin people go talk. After all, no be like this you plan to come back Naija. You plan to come back as big boy. Everybody suppose see say you don make am. Them suppose dey call you Emmy Malay, Okey Jakarta, Turkish Burger. That babe wey don dey take you serious on Facebook — I mean that one wey dey show you breast on Messenger video calls, you suppose do am well. You fit even carry am show your mama sef. All that time wey you dey abroad, na soapy you dey do, so you plan to come back enjoy better knack — after all you don make am and knack no suppose cost once you enter town as big boy wey get doings. You don think of the babes you go position for Asaba, Owerri, Calabr and Port-Harcourt. You don reason as you go visit Uyo for the first time, to chill for one week with that undergraduate babe wey you dey chest her billing. You don think of your guys wey dey do well, the link-ups wey una go do once you show with the least RX350. Your family sef, them suppose feel am say your hand don touch money. But now, them want deport you.

I want make you ask yourself one question: before you travel go overseas, e get any of your neighbours wey you make agreement with say you go come back as big boy? Reason am. Shebi na yourself wey you make the agreement with? Make we hold this reasoning for now because I get another question.

You dey aware say nothing don happen today wey never happen before, and e no get wetin you fit do now wey another person no go do, even pass am, tomorrow? So, you want show everybody say you don make am. You want show them say you sef don reach to buy car. Yes, you don buy car. You don make am. Them don see am. Them go talk about am for six months and then them go forget you, begin to talk about another person. No be only you dey this world, so you no fit be their topic for long time. So, why you come dey bother? And if you no come back with anything, why you think say their disappointment suppose dey make you feel bad?

So, them want deport you now. How e take be bad thing to go back to your country so that you go plan again? After all, you don travel, you don get experience and life no fit be like when you never travel before. As you come back, you go fit plan again, think of the next step to take. See your age. You still be young man. Time still dey your front. Why you want kill yourself because say you go overseas and e no favour you? Why you even dey torture your life dey hide up and down for overseas because you no get papers? Na so life suppose be?

I know wetin you dey fear. If you fit ignore your neighbours, what about your family, your mama and papa, your brothers and sisters? Them sell family land send your overseas. Them invest all their hopes on you. Them too believe you but you don fail them. Now people go laugh them. People go talk and them go hear am. But ask yourself: e for better say na your dead body them carry come back Naija based on say you choose to kill yourself instead to allow make them deport you? If your answer na ‘no’, then you suppose don see wetin I dey try tell you. E better say you dey alive come back Naija even as deportee. At least, you still dey alive. You go eat better food for Naija. You go dey waka freely and nobody go ask you for papers. You no go dey do soapy like when you dey overseas, because bad as e bad, you go still see babe wey go carry her good mind give you better knack — after all, you still fresh. Use your freshness well before Naija weather go sand-paper am comot from your body. But the important thing be say make you plan your next move. As guy man wey you be, all that time wey you spend abroad no suppose be waste — you don sabi people, you don learn things and all this things suppose serve you now. Now, make I talk one final thing.

Everything dey first happen for the mind. If you be guy man, na for your mind everything dey play. If you be mugu, na for your mind. As one or two don happen to you so, based on the setback wey you dey get now, the possibility say you go bounce back or not, na your mind go determine am. Nothing wey anybody fit do for you if something don already conquer your mind. Wetin I dey try talk? Once them deport you, no allow depression enter your mind. No dey hide your face because say you no get motor or money. If men fall out, you too make you clean your shoe, fall out. Them sef go dey reason say e get update wey you get wey dey give you this kind morale. And true true, you get the update; you don travel before; you get experience; e get wetin them no get wey you get; and e get wetin them need wey you sabi. Na so life be. If you tall pass person, you no fit short pass them. One man, one wing. You no go play your own still play another man own. As you dey show up, make you dey use your head. Dey plan your next move. No go settle down with babe at this point. I know say your positive energy go dey attract them. Them go want you to settle down, to feel at home. But no gree. That stage of your life no be stage wey you suppose settle. Na journey you dey so. No settle. No fear. Everything go align for you as long as your head still clear and your mind still sharp. Who die na him lose.

(C) Ikenna Okeh, July 2025.